French ski resort has banned smoking on the slopes – Les Gets will become the first cigarette-free ski area in Europe this winter – what’s next? Scandinavian resort banning tall blondes? A German mountain preventing punctuality and efficient provision of services?
Maybe not, but we know what’s next on the banned list – or at least what it should be: here are 20 things ski resorts should immediately criminalize.
It’s not that it’s rude (which it is), it’s not that it’s dangerous (which it is), it’s not that they’re listening to some repetitive Euro Dance anthem with a medically unhealthy sound (although they almost certainly yes Sir) . The point is… if they think skiing is so boring that it needs an artificial soundtrack, why not stay home and play some video games instead?
He doesn’t wear headphones
Those who use small mini speakers to impose their (poor) taste in music on the rest of us as they carelessly float by should confiscate their subwoofer immediately. The sound of skis in the snow is not sssshhhh no reason, you know.
Cute on kids under 5. Allowed for those under 12 years old. Tired under the age of 25. Downright disturbing to anyone else.
Many ski resorts are taking steps to ban plastic bottles – and good for them, climate change is a daunting prospect for many. As for the unsightly impact of skier trash, remember: the next vacation after this is probably somewhere on the beach, so if you dump that empty Evian in the wrong place this winter, it’s hard to complain if it washes out and ruins your swim next summer.
Ski-mites come in three versions: a) infuriatingly good and ruthlessly cutting at 200 mph; b) you keep learning and automatically clear your path at 2 mph; or c) one of the above but they are yours and you are stuck with them for the next six days.
If civilization can survive without a movie, such as from Cleopatra’s coronation in 51 BC, then it can probably do without someone calling themselves “Mad Mike” doing “amazing!” 360 down this “epic!” tilt. I don’t want to tell you this in the national paper, Mike (we certainly won’t be calling you Crazy Mike), but no one will ever see your movie.
We know we said we were “fine” on black runs. But we didn’t mean two-foot-wide black runs. They should be off the piste maps all over the world.
Why bother with a smoking ban at all? Ban Francois and his amis and you’ll get rid of cigarettes, dubious queue etiquette, and impenetrable hard-to-decipher Gallic shrugs, all in one fell swoop.
€14 a cup of coffee
We paid thousands of pounds to be here and the cost of a ski holiday is rising almost everywhere. Couldn’t someone subsidize our morning dose of caffeine somehow?
Ski boots that seem to be perfectly comfortable in a rental…
…but turn into vicious, crushing toes, blistering shins, hating foot coffin circulation the moment you’re too far from the store to be worth going back to change them.
See my last post on ill-fitting shoes. Then remember how you tried to climb slippery metal stairs in them or the stairs to the toilets in the mountain hut – which are always in the basement.
A friend who wants you all to stop and wait while she goes to rest, 10 minutes after everyone else in the group has gone. An old guy who stops to check the slope map just before the chairlift exit, creating a bottleneck behind him. Or the lady in line at the restaurant who insists on ordering, a French-Italian-German schoolgirl, even though the local waitress speaks much better English.
People who ski too fast
“A danger to self and others… Selfish… Destroying it for everyone else… Putting skiers in disrepute… Bullying kids… Ripping up insurance premiums for the responsible majority… Appalling show off… Corrupt and ungrateful… Should be banned for life…”
People who ski too slow
“Getting in everyone’s way… Shouldn’t take up valuable space… No right to be on this slope if they’re not ready for it… Only here for the damn après… Danger to themselves and others… Should be banned for life…”
Just other people, really
Wouldn’t skiing be wonderful if no one else was around?
It was bad enough when they were just slow, but now that we know that some resorts in France and Switzerland deliberately slow down elevators to save energy, every extra second feels like an annoying eternity.
Disappearing route markers
On a beautiful sunny day, the bright red lanterns are not to be missed, but who is the genius who designed the piste posts so thin that they become invisible as soon as a cloud appears? I suspected it was probably the same lead designer who decided to paint the top of the right-hand marks orange so you’d know which side of the slope they were on – perhaps forgetting that 70 percent of all goggles are tinted orange, rendering the marks completely unappealing different from all other colors. Bravo, sir.
5G and WiFi
Remember how we used to talk to each other in the gondolas? Not bad, right?
DJs at lunchtime
“Big greetings to all the noisy Eetalians in ze’ouse!” Here, mate, it’s half-past twelve on Tuesday, and the only people listening to you are ski school kids and tired-looking waitresses who have five more hours to go before their shift ends. Save après for après, put your iPod in shuffle mode, turn off the mic and let us ski and eat in (relative) peace, okay?
Excessive consumption of cheese
Everyone knows that skiers have proven unable to control their own intake.